How deep I've fallen

Updated: May 29

The hole of negativity was dug so deep, it was only when I got out, did I realize how deep I’ve fallen.

I used to watch other families and wish mine was like theirs. I would take delight in watching the interactions with the parents and their kids. It looked so fun, warm, and happy.

As I watched I wondered how different my life would be if I had a different upbringing.

I studied those families trying to find the secret to their family’s happiness and came up with many assumptions, like maybe it’s because they are caucasian because caucasians raise their kids different, until I saw a family that looked like mine and they had a healthy family relationship. Then I wondered if it was money or wealth, until I saw families that were wealthy having horrifying experiences.

I presumed that maybe their relationship with God was the answer, because with God, everything becomes perfect, right?


Some of the families I admired didn’t even acknowledge God’s existence. But there was something I did notice, they were practicing Godly principles.

Growing up in my house negativity was the order of the day, customary and normal, so normal, that it was only when I got out of it, did I realize how abnormal it actually was.

It felt like my parents weren’t cheerleaders, it seemed like they only noticed the things we did wrong instead of the things we did right.

As kids and young adults, you are going to make mistakes, it’s a part of maturity and how most of us learn. It is only when we go through life's consequence do we understand the importance of making right choices.

I realized they could not give us what they themselves did not know to give. My parent’s reaction towards us was a demonstration on how their parents reacted towards them.

Even with this insight, the journey to undue what was done was a long road.

My environment made me uptight, tense, anxious, frustrated, and arrogant. Looking back, I saw how these personalities caused me to miss out on so many great experiences.

I was trapped in a negative mindset that hinder me from not only enjoying life, but from having a life.

I was so negative that I brought this behavior into all my relationships even the one I have with God. It was destructive and toxic as I created victims because of how I was.

How I wish I can go back to every single person in my life and apologize, letting them know, I was ignorant to who I was inside, and wasn’t aware what is in you will come out.

I lived many years, trapped!

When God revealed this to me, I cried, not because I was sad, because I was happy that I was given this truth.

To be trapped in a lie for so many years and to be released from it, is a happy moment.

He showed me how I approached every opportunity with suspicion, doubt, fear, or criticism and how I would always see the glass half empty, never half full.

My negative approach to things, situations, and people left me alone, without a life, no friends, and no healthy relationships.

You see, I had to be out of this hole before I was able to look into the hole, and to better understand the hole I was trapped in.

When you are in something, you are blinded from seeing the entire scene. You can only see the surrounding you are in, but you are not able to see what’s on the other side.

If you’re in a building and never go outside, you are not able to see, feel, smell, or experience the environment outside the building. It is only when you get out of the building do you realize how beautiful the sky is, how refreshing the air feels, and how bright the sun is.

This negative hole that was dug dictated and directed the course of my life and became the driving force behind the decisions I made.

It was planted into my mind and controlled my life - I needed to be free.

These decisions brought depression, then drinking, then becoming an alcoholic. From that came shame and loss of dignity.

Nothing good came out of being in this hole

It was during a moment of sudden insight, that made me celebrate knowing that the next years of my life, will be free of negative thoughts. Free from complaining, judging, criticizing, and never seeing the good in myself or people.

Free from being a perfectionist and learning to go with the flow instead of wanting to be in control. And to stop putting unrealistic expectations on myself and others.

Being negative is a trap!

My relationship with God has brought me out of the hole of negativity into freedom, and God did this by using a statement from an Instagram post I read:

"The best piece of advice I got from my father was to keep eating, try new things and be playful."

This post caused me to think how impressive and positive his dad must have been. I could hear the joy in his voice as he thought back on how encouraging his father was and the impact it had on their relationship.

I wondered how many other positive words he must have heard growing up to help him to become the renowned chef he is today.

This is when the Lord spoke to me within and let me know that my life could be just as exciting if I learn to let go of negativity.

Instantly, I saw the hole I was coming out of. I could actually visualize it; and once I got out, that's when tears of joy streamed down my face.

I started to reflect on how negative I am on myself, and how this was the reason I could not have the life I wanted. I was replicating what I saw and experienced growing up.

You may not have support, cheerleaders, or people that want the best for you in life, but that's ok, because you have a friend who can be their replacement (John 15:13,15).

"And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God "- 1 Samuel 30:6.

"Casting all your anxieties on him (God), because he cares for you" - 1 Peter 5:7

This was a joyous moment, knowing my life will be optimistic going forward.

The full measure of your joy comes from your relationship with Jesus. People and things can bring you moments of happiness, but to get the full amount, the all-inclusive, not lacking and complete type of joy, comes from Jesus Christ (John 17:13).

How do I know, because He just demonstrated it.

In one moment of communion with Him, my whole life perspective changed.

I now know that with the joy that comes from God, all things work together for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). It’s knowing that whatever you are destined to do will happen. It’s knowing that whatever you ask from Him will happen.

This truth was the power that I needed to overcome.

"Joy is a mindset that refuses to accept, thoughts, voices, or ideas that want to steal your happiness." From Book: My Love Is Unconditional - Click here to read more.

I may not have had the family upbringing that I wanted, but I have the ability to create the one I want.